i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
