You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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