He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Randomize
