How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
