I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
