Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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