I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Randomize