As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
You may now shotgun with the bride
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
