you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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