Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize