Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
