I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
