it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
