I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
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