Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Randomize
