i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
