yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Randomize
