i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize
