dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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