btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
