Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
