the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
