3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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