Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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