We got so high we made milksteak
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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