You really coming over, don't trick.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
