then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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