Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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