i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
