I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Randomize