Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
this boner is exhausting
worst night to have a conscience
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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