I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I want a musical about memes.
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