I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
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