There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
