Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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