he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Be still, my beating vagina.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
