God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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