I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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