never play flip cup with pint glasses
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
