Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
