Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
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