who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
