Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
