So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Randomize
