My brain says no but my pants say off.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
