She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
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