I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
