we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
