This dress was meant to end up on your floor
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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