the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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