I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
So. Much. Porn.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
