Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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