You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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