One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
