Midget sex pt 2 tonight
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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