I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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