Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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