I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Randomize
