shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
