my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
