I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Randomize
