On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
