i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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