i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
