I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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