he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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