Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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