I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
