I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
