he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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