New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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